2012 Horror Scopes

Capricorn: 

The Stars report that this would be the perfect opportunity to spend some time visualizing how you’d ideally like your next year to go. So get after it. To help, remember that since you’re a Cap, and require praise and recognition, feel free to picture your life with as many standing ovations in your honor as you want, especially when visualizing the amorous parts.

Aquarius:

 Whenever we’re confronted with adversity — and sometimes it’s unavoidable — we are presented with two choices: we can either collapse like a house of cards or we can rise above it like a duck wearing floaties. There’s also, of course, the little known Aquarius way to handle things, which often resembles a tornado ripping through Oklahoma.

Pisces:

 Babies learn to talk by making just about any strange sounds they can muster. Apparently, trying to eat everything they can get their grubby little hands on also helps. So your new assignment is to be more curious like a child about the motives behind your life. Just be sure to change your own stinky diapers and be mindful about what you put in your mouth.

Aries:

Love is a funny thing — assuming you’re a full-blooded American and find things like videos of a kid accidentally smacking some old guy’s scrotal area with a wiffle ball bat amusing. To help you make sense of it, always remember that love is a like a river. Sometimes you’re going to holler out, “Rapids ahead!” Other times, “Let’s go skinny dipping!”

Taurus: 

It was recently announced that Hostess, the makers of mouthwatering sugar-loaded, calorie-bomb snacks like Twinkies, Ding Dongs and Ho Hos, has filed for bankruptcy … again. The lesson here: If you’re going to be a Ho Ho maker only for the money and be a Ding Dong about health concerns, then you deserve to lose your Twinkies.

Gemini: 

Twins-signers tend to make new acquaintances easily, almost as easily as they let go of old ones. Only fellow travelers can join this air sign’s trip. The rest are just along to make a leg of it more entertaining. To help make certain the trip is less bumpy, and more leggy, embrace a line from a member of Gemini’s opposite sign, Sagittarius Jay-Z: “Remind yourself: Nobody’s built like you. You design yourself.”

Cancer: 

Willpower is something Cancerians are blessed with in much the same way that Superman is blessed with X-Ray vision and Clouds is blessed with X-Rated thoughts. Therefore, try to tap into your other special powers and have a little patience with the rest of us. After all, you never know when the other person’s super power might be flatulence.

Leo:

 Now is the time to gently reach out and pat your dreams on the fanny. They are that close. Just try to keep yourself under control so you don’t start smacking them too hard. There’ll be plenty of time for spanking soon enough, but it’s best to move slowly into that kind of celebrating.

Virgo:

In a recently released study, scientists found that unlike cigarette smokers, long-term marijuana users show little lung damage. They believe this is because pot smokers inhale far less but deeper, which actually stimulates blood vessels in the lungs. Therefore, try taking more deep breaths of some fresh air. In other matters, Clouds suggests investing in cannabis futures.

Libra:

With your love life being highlighted for the rest of the month, here are a few “Must Dos” for the amorous minded: 1.) You must whisper sweet nothings to your partner such as, “I can’t wait to see you in nothing, my Sweet.” 2.) You must let love rule. 3.) You should embrace what’s best about you and blame the worst parts on your parents.

Scorpio: 

The Stars are shining on your ability to communicate right now. So feel free to sing more in the shower, tell long-winded stories at dinner or compose silly sonnets in your spare time. Perhaps something that begins with, “Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream. Being silent or cranky ain’t the way to reach your dreams.”

Sagittarius: 

Since the only direction you folks like to follow is your own, Sagittarians often earn reputations for being tough to deal with. Now, there’s nothing wrong with this, but life is more enjoyable when people don’t think of you as just being some stubborn, close-minded butthead. Therefore, try not to say anything such as the following … even when you’re right: “Thanks to the advancement of scientific technology we can now confirm you’re a complete moron.”